Apparently, it takes 28 days to break a habit. Well, I'm past 28 days, though as one friend pointed out, my drinking was a pretty big habit. I'll take 28 days though, most I have managed without a drop for years I think.
Update wise, I am doing OK. Have a lot of physical problems going on, back pain, feet swelling, tiredness, but this will all change with time. I've piled on a lot of weight because I'm eating to compensate for not drinking, but the brakes are on that now and that's been worth the short term consequences to stay sober.
My mood is another matter. I'm very short tempered. Things that used to annoy me really wind me up at the moment, and I just need Christmas over and done with. According to the experts though this is normal and fine as my emotions are coming to the fore again. I'm always an emotional person, moved to tears by anything, someone once said I'd cry at the opening of a Sainsbury's. When I was in rehab and would break down in groups, I'd have other men come to me afterwards and say they wished they could be as open and emotional, but they were brought up that showing emotion was a weakness. I see it as a strength, but at the moment it makes things pretty hard and I am really trying hard not to be snappy with people.
Not drinking has been pretty easy as well, though I am sure that will get tougher. I've seen my alcohol key worker, had an eye test, done some volunteering, met up with a friend for coffee, seen one of my boys and am out tonight with my oldest friends for a curry. All is good, got plans over the festive period, am catching up on TV, books and games as well. Its much easier to do fun things now that I am sober all of the time.
I do want to talk about some things that have happened though, related to the attitude of others. This week, someone told me I needed to get a grip on feeling down about Christmas and it really got to me. Firstly, I had just been talking about how my emotions were heightened and I knew that would pass, so it wasn't relevant. The second was the use of "get a grip". As anyone struggling with an addiction will know, there are some phrases that are incredibly unhelpful. I give you :
Get a grip
Pull yourself together
Grow a pair
Just stop drinking
Don't you know what damage you are doing to yourself?
And tons more. They are just not helpful phrases. They are trying to help nut don't really understand the process. If it were a case of just getting a grip and stopping, we would all do it quickly and easily. But it's not, it's bloody hard. Beating an addiction and habit, coming to terms with what giving all that up actually means is not simple as is not a quick fix.
People also tell me :
Stay small
Don't think about looking for a job yet, concentrate on yourself
You need to make some big changes
Ok, explain how I do all of these things? I won't worry about a job, but how am I going to pay my bills? Will everyone club together and do it for me? No, and I would never want that. But I have to live. And that means I need money coming in. So what big changes shall I make? One person suggests moving flats. OK, how do I physically do that at zero cost? How do I get a decent flat without having a job for the application? I get on with my neighbours now, what if I don't if I move? And does all that not pile on a ton of stress? What other big changes should I make? Oh, you don't know? Isn't that weird?
And breathe. I know people are trying to be helpful, but they don't realise how there are no easy answers. And a lot of it contradicts. Stay small, make big changes. A few people were really pushing me at rehab again as the solution. It helped last time, but didn't sort everything. And it's an unreal environment. Yes, I won't drink for 3-6 months, but I've got the same stuff when I come out. And rehab tales your benefits when you still have to pay bills. People just don't understand how all of this works and want a simple solution, it doesn't work like that.
If there was something that would 'fix' an addiction, local addiction services would just be handing out a card with the steps to take, job done. But everyone has a different path they need to take and I just wish well meaning friends and family would stop trying to dissect my problem without being in my shoes. I talk to professionals about my steps to take. They have the knowledge and experience to help me. And I'm trying to not have a go at friends and family, they have my best intentions at heart, but just be there when I want to talk, cheer on my successes, and put up with my little tantrums!
This turned into a bit of a rant and I didn't want it to, but it's how it came out so it stays in.
Next week I want to talk about some of the different support available that I have tried. Local services, AA, Groups and Rehab.
As I write this it is 29 days since I last had a drink.