Been a while since I posted, and the main reason being that everything is actually going OK at the moment. I did have a drink in the last 2 months, but its well done and gone now, and everything else is lining up OK for me, so I feel quite content and relaxed (some of this may be because of my medication, but I'll take it).
The reason I decided to write today though is because I am thinking about having a drink later, and talking through things is a big help with getting those thoughts out of my head. So I thought I would do a post with a cost/benefit statement and logically give my head a slap.
So, here are the good things that have happened recently :
Biggest one. I mentioned I had a Fibroscan on my liver 2 months ago. on a scale of 0-75, it was about 20.5, which is borderline for cirrhosis and means my liver may not be able to repair itself. No huge issue if I stay not drinking, but not great. Well yesterday I had a scan and my reading was 16, so my liver is sorting itself out, which is brilliant news.
Money. This isn't great, but it's OK now I have a plan. I went cap in hand to the council to ask for extra help with housing costs and got a little bit. Not a huge amount, but it all helps. I have also come to an arrangement with family where they are lending me money each month to keep me going. As long as I don't drink, obviously. I am lucky to have a fairly healthy pension pot, some of which I can take tax free in the 3 years. They will be back back through that. And my pension divvy up if I suddenly die has been amended to give them some money in that case. This is all a bit grim to think about, but I have to be realistic. And I'm hoping that I won't need money soon from others leading to.....
I'm ready to get back into work and am now actively looking. I'm working with someone at my alcohol clinic who is providing support and encouragement while I look for the right thing. Might take a while, but I know I am putting in the effort.
Saw a physio about my back issues, had more blood tests done and there is nothing wrong with me in general, my pain is not a symptom of anything else, I've been given exercises to do, but the guy I saw was brilliant.
Since my boys are off for the holidays from college and Uni, they have been round here a lot, hogging my games machines and destroying my fridge and freezer contents. But it's been great. The 17 year old and his girlfriend have been here for the last 5 days and it's been fun, but tiring. It's the first time in years he has referred to me as 'cool' dad, as I act as myself around them, share a lot of their interest, have games controllers strewn everywhere and for;t act like her parents or his mum. So that's good, I think. Anyway, it's been a good time.
I'm coming to the end of working with an organisation that pointed me at my volunteering. They have some money to provide free bikes for people who need them, so pushed one my way. Its an oldie, but been reconditioned and I'm made up with it.
Volunteering is going well. Still enjoying it, helping some elderly people with IT problems, gets me out and about.
The flat is looking a lot better. I'm trying to do "things" each day between 9-5 as a work day, and it means stuff is getting tidied and getting done. I'm cooking loads of fresh food, the freezer is full of meals, and my weight is coming down as a sustainable rate. Plus when my lad rang at midnight last week and asked if they could come because they were nearby it was fine, because there was food in, everywhere was tidy, the bedding was washed and I wasn't drunk or in detox.
There is more too, but you get the picture.
So what if I give in to my urge today and have a drink tonight? What will happen?
I'll feel good for a few hours.
Points 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7 and 8 all go flying out the window for a period of time, and I damage and undo a lot of the good I've already done, and I'll destroy trust. Point 5 might mean I go out for more booze on my bike without a helmet on and do myself a serious injury
I'll feel like crap for days.
It really is a no contest kind of thing. Take today as an example. I sold my Evercade on eBay as I never use it, was happy with what I got for it. Cycled to the Post office to send the parcel, watched the football, used a small fraction of the money to buy 2 games on sale that I have wanted for ages (Prey and Wonderful 101 if you must know) and sorted out some money stuff, made an appointment to see the liver specialist, did some washing, all good stuff. If I had drunk yesterday, I'd have done none of that. And I really wanted a drink last night but got myself through it.
It's something referred to as Urge Surfing. My medication helps with general cravings a lot, but sometimes you know that an urge will hit hard. The idea is to just ride it out. You know it will pass, you can distract yourself with something, and before you know it, it's bedtime. Another idea is to say to yourself "If I still feel like this in a hour, I'll have a drink" then just extend it leading to "If I feel like this tomorrow". Then you get a decent nights sleep and the cravings are done in the morning, my biggest urge was for a cup of tea.
So I am doing the same this afternoon, along with writing this which again helps the logical side of my brain wrestle the idiot side to the ground. And help comes from the weirdest places. Last night my lad's GF was watching some old Mitchell and Webb clips on YouTube. One came on of a guy who obviously had an alcohol problem trying to convince a local shop keeper he was just thirsty but buying booze early in the morning. It was horrible to watch as I've been that person at Morrisons at 7am stocking up and trying to convince myself it's normal. It really got to me, and was the final push I needed yesterday to not drink.
So we struggle on, I've got some stuff to watch on TV tonight, some games to play and something nice to eat. And a list of things I want to get done tomorrow, when I just crack on again and get myself through the day with no extreme highs or lows, just a general feeling of being content.