Not really sure where to start today. Just over 2 weeks ago I made the stupid decision to have a drink for "just one evening" that turned into a five day binge. Took me a long time to recover too, and 10 days after stopping, I'm still not right, my head is all over the place.
Why did I do it? I'm not entirely sure. My boys had been here and then left, that's always a trigger. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and really low, all of which are not excuses. Bottom line is that I gave in to the animal side of me that wants to drink, I let it do what it wanted and now I am suffering the consequences, physically, emotionally and financially. All of which would be difficult to deal with on their own, as a package they are a complete mind bender.
I had my boys here for almost a week, one with his girlfriend for a few days, which involved a trip to A&E at one point (nothing serious, we really didn't need to go), the other one tagged him out and then both were here. While it was nice to have a full flat, they are lazy beggars and I ended up doing everything.
But I'm now facing a situation where I will run out of money at the end of August, I've had a nice extra bit coming in that's going to stop, and then I am in big trouble. I need to get back into work, but I need it to be something I can cope with and at the moment I'm not sure what that is or of it's out there.
This time it's been my mental state that has really taken a hit though. I've been suffering from pretty extreme paranoia, not something I am used to. I've been walking round almost in a daze as well, I just don't feel back to normal at the moment. It's a little worrying, but I assume it will pass as I get back into some sort of routine. I've been trying to lose weight as well, and that is going OK, I'm able to get out and about a bit more with the pain in my back, and that's because of the weight I think, that will only get better in time. My sleep is all over the place, that's not normally an issue for me, I just feel messed up.
I think this last drinking session has really brought some things into focus. My Mum's friend had a son who died suddenly recently, he had a very aggressive brain tumour, and he was 13 years younger than me. I actually used to babysit for him and his sisters. But it threw me, and especially my mum, who then started to think about my mortality, and that made me reflect on the effect I have on other people rather than the effect just on me. I recently had some blood tests done to screen for a variety of things, including prostate cancer, and they all came back OK, except for my liver and kidney functions which were a little off.
What a shocker. Especially as I was only 4 days removed from a drink. Had those tests repeated today, hopefully they will be back to normal as the levels were only slightly off.
It's amazing in itself that I have not suffered more physically on this. I do have a scan coming in August to check my liver and if I am veering more into cirrhosis territory, I think that is weighing on my mind as well. I'm not young, I'm overweight and unfit, my liver has issues, and I'm running out of time to fix a lot of these things. I think all of this is rolling around in my head now and becoming crystallised as a reality, rather than my usual trick of hiding behind "well, it'll all be alright".Maybe my head is actually beginning to accept the reality of where I am heading now and that I need to make the changes to fix it quickly.
But I will end with some positives.
My weight is down
I can do 30 days without alcohol regularly now, there is zero reason I can't do more
I'm in less pain with my back, I'm able to get around more
I'm not in immediate financial danger
I have a lot of people around me who want to help
And that is all something to build on.