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May 6 - Staying Steady

Here we are, almost two weeks on from my last post, and things have settled down enourmously. Firstly, I've not had a drink, so given where I was, that's a positive step if nothing else. I'll take that as win at the moment.


Other stuff is still a bit of a mess, but I'm taking steps to fix it. My weight and the pain when I move around much is the number one priority at the moment. With my back being so painful for so many months I been incredibly sedentary, so doing anything causes me aches and pains. It's really hard to even walk to the supermarket, which should only take me about 20 minutes. So I'm trying to get a walk done each day, and build my strength back up.


I've also started counting my calories, not to get obsessive about it, but just to know what I am eating. And bloody hell, I was eating way too much. I'm now cooking a lot more from fresh and have a calorie target each day that will slowly let me lose weight. It's all positive and is just me trying to get things all back in order. As I mentioned last time, I need to not let any cross addictions come into play, so I just need things to be nice and steady.


Other positives. My 2 sons have been here a fair amount in the last 2 weeks (they are 17 and 19) which was great. My youngest's girlfriend had a panic when some of her accounts were compromised, I spent one evening talking her through what to do, and it was nice to be sober and able to help, as they would have both got really anxious had I not been able to help.


It's not all unicorns and rainbows though. Money is now incredibly tight and without some extra help I have access to, I'd be in huge trouble. But that help will run out too, so I have a hard deadline now for finding myself a job. I've started looking and applying now, but it took me a long time to get a job last time, I'm fairly pessimistic at the moment as I want to take a job that I actually want to do. If I take a job I hate, it puts me at risk of drinking again, that would be no help at the moment.


And drinking. Those thoughts are always still there. Nagging at me to just get a bottle of wine, it'll be fine, I won't carry on. I know that is absolute rubbish, and I'm managing to squash those thoughts at the moment. One thing that hasn't helped is people pointing out my recent cycle of drinking 2 weeks after I have stopped, how this was a danger week for me, what was I going to do etc. Putting that pressure on doesn't really help, though people mean well.


So what have I been doing? Getting out walking. Building Lego. Playing games. Watching films. Eating better. All things to try and keep me busier, taking advantage of having my own time at the moment to try and do some things that I enjoy. And not feeling guilty for doing those things. My view at the moment is that if I am eating healthily, doing exercise, connecting with people and not drinking, then I'm happy with that. I've been to my volunteering the last 2 weeks, I've had a session with my alcohol key worker and I've been talking to friends and family.


One thing I would like to end on is the nature of the conversations I have been having. I've always been spoiled wrapped up in my own issues, I never really ask others about what is going on in their lives, so I am making a conscious effort to be there for people. I've got friends who have life changing things going on at the moment, they need to be able to talk to me to get stuff of their chests. I want to be happy when my friends have things going on that make them happy. So that's just a change on focus as to how I apprach my relationships.


This is also reflected in my job search. I want to do something that's going to help people. I don't want to be making money for a big company, so those are the kind of roles I am looking for at the moment. I don't need to earn a huge amount of money, I have a full spreadsheet with my budget on it (I love a spreadsheet) and I know what I need to earn for a happy life, so I am hoping I can find something sharpish.


It's all quite positive this week. I'll be back again soon, and I hope it will be a similar story then. It may not make for exciting reading, but it helps me to confirm that life is steady at the moment, and that is a good thing.

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