This week has been a bit crap. I had a great time last week where my eldest son was here from Tuesday to Thursday, then tagged the younger one who was here until Sunday. When they both were gone my mood and motivation dived off a cliff. And my cravings kicked in massively.
Sunday night I actually sat down and wrote out a cost/benefit analysis of having a drink or not having a drink. And it really helped. One positive, about ten negatives. So I didn't have a drink, went to bed miserable, but sober. Monday was a write off as my mood was incredibly low. The last few days have been crap as well, with no job, no direction, bad health, overweight, in pain when I head out for a walk, I was just in a bad way. Some of it stemmed from walking to the cinema with my son on Saturday to see Spider-Man (It's great by the way) and he had to see me struggling physically, as well as my mind being distracted and forgetting names and words. I felt like a wreck in front of him.
It all just put me in a dark place and is a stark reminder that just because I have stopped drinking life is not good. Its shit. I have no job, poor health, very little social contact and without concentrating on the problems drink gives me, I have to face my other life issues. It's not easy, I'm in a bad position because of what has happened over the last 20 years and I have to face that and do something about it. So I am now dealing with all the issues that I have spent years ignoring and masking by drinking. Financially I'm in a mess, and it's all my own doing, that's not a nice thing to have to admit to, but it's just a fact.
In the past people have tried to say that when I stop drinking, life will be so much better. Well, it's not all unicorns and rainbows. But it's just life and I need to crack on.
I don't really have much more to say this week. Having the boys here, and we spend all our time in the same room, was really great and makes me realise how much I miss real social interaction. If something happens in the news, in a game, in a film or anywhere, it's better when you have someone to talk with. I've really missed that being on my own this week.
I'll be back next week when I'll hopefully be in more positive frame of mind, I know this mood will pass and I will be able to take some solid steps towards sorting some of. my issues out.
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