As I was fighting off cravings in the last week and looking at the benefits and consequences of drinking, I thought it would be good to get down in writing what actually happens when I have a drink, what the process is before, during and after that session of multiple days drinking.
Before
People around me can tell when I am going to drink, or am thinking of having a drink. These days it normally happens when I have a few good days, everything seems to be on track and I've taken some positive steps. My brain can start racing at 100 miles an hour, I come across as hyper, over-chatty and a bit giddy. My brain is telling me "Things are going OK, you deserve a drink". It also often coincides with my boys leaving the flat, when I go from being fully occupied to crushingly lonely. When they are here is often when I get things done, I feel good that I have company and that they enjoy being here, it all adds in to that sense of well-being. And I start to think, in the back of my mind, of when I can have a drink. The day I plan then to drink, I'll make sure I talk to people so they think I am OK (They are not stupid, and always sense what might be going on), some don't question it as I will get really defensive when challenged. So we are all set.
Drinking
I'll start with a box of wine equivalent to 3 bottles, and a 2 litre bottle of cider. Cider is usually for the morning, when the physical addiction side has kicked right in. I'll start on the wine, and have maybe 2 hours where I am actually enjoying it, getting a buzz, feeling OK about things. This ys usually late evening time. When the 3rd bottle equivalent kicks in, that's when the loss of control and memory starts to hit. I'll head to bed in early hours, and wake up feeling terrible, hitting the cider and setting myself up for the day. How I feel at this point though is how people would feel with a nasty hangover. I've normally not had a drink for a period of about 4 weeks, tolerance is down, and I feel terrible. But once I start again, it's a slippery slope from there.
That day, I'll either head to the shops or get a delivery. I might stock up on a repeat of the wine and cider, I may add a litre of vodka in there. What's interesting about this stage is that I start to feel better as soon as I have made the decision to go out or order in. Not the actual act of drinking, the knowledge that I will be soon. My brain obviously releases the chemicals that cause this on the anticipation of drinking. The other crazy side of this, when I pour my first vodka, I am already worrying about where the next bottle will come from. My base instincts completely rule my decision making at this point.
And so, we head into blackout. I don't care about money, family friends, personal hygiene, anything basically. I keep drinking. And later, I will have no clue what has gone on. I don't go out, I don't call anyone. I spill things, I break things, I injure myself in some way always, usually just bruises and cuts, but sometime obviously fall and hurt my back or ribs. It's pretty scary. I buy video games, I order stuff from Amazon and god knows where else. I really have no clue what is going on. My kitchen becomes a graveyard for bottles, boxes and takeaway containers. And I am just completely out of it.
After
Some days after, it might be 4 or 8, any number really, I will have a longer period of blackout sleep but come round with the idea that I need to stop now. And so begins the long crawl back to normality. It's very dangerous to just stop drinking after a binge. You are in danger of severe withdrawals and a seizure. A detox can take 7-10 days in a facility and that what the nurses would prefer me to do, but I try to do it in 2. I know my body, I know how I feel, and I know when I am safe and when I am not. So I make sure for day 1 that I have 6-8 beers in to sip though the day and night.
How am I physically? Completely wrecked. I am weak, anything from just getting up to go to the kitchen makes me sweaty and sick. I'm throwing up at this point. I feel horrendously nauseous. My vision is blurred. I can't have a shower or clean the kitchen. My initial plan is to stay in bed, but I can't sleep properly. I put on podcasts and drift away with snatches of sleep. But I get waves of vertigo like nausea from lying down, and every hour I wake fro a doze with a start, the alcohol has dropped a level and I am massively dehydrated, so I need to get up, swig of beer, swigs of water, back to bed. Sweating, soaking the bed in it, just a curled up ball of misery. Podcasts keep me sane, a noise in the background of voices I know.
I'll ring family and close friends to tell them I am OK and pulling myself out, but even a 3 minute conversation completely takes it out of me. But they know I am on my way back. The flat is a mess, the kitchen is a bomb site. Everything smells horrible. But I get through the day, I'll try and watch something funny on TV for while, can't concentrate on something serious or on playing a game. Then I'll try to go to bed for the night. I will sleep on and off, and need the podcasts running to take my mind off the guilt, fear, worry and other emotions running amok in my head. Then the real fun starts. I'll sleep for 45 minutes, then get woken up needing alcohol or water, or because my head is bursting. Then the dreams kick in. They are vivid, horrific, twisted and nasty. And they seem so real and I remember every detail. I really hate this with a passion.
I'll get through eh night and someone will bring me 4 beers that I will make last all day and night. I'll try in the afternoon to clear the kitchen and make my walk of shame to the bins with 2 or 3 bin bags. But that will kill me physically. But it's a good sign that I am making progress, and it's enough for today. There is zero point washing or changing the bedding, I know I am in for another horrific night. And it's a repeat of the night before. And then the alcohol is gone, and the next day I have to cope with the complete withdrawal, and boy, it's another doozy. At this point, I won't have eaten for a couple of days either, so I force myself to have something. maybe a pitta with some cheese in, but it'e hard work. This is a day of guilt and remorse, of feeling physically battered but starting to get my head straight.
A slightly better night will follow, and the next day my nose will start itching. Something to do with the blood vessels apparently. But it will take another 3 days before I begin to feel normal again, probably longer in reality. And so I start to pick up the pieces. I look at how I have ruined my careful budget. I connect with people and apologise and realise how much I have impacted others. I try to clean and tidy up, finding spills etc all over the place. I might try to put some washing on. And at the end of it, I realise I have lost about 10 days to this whole episode. With a friend, we worked out that last year I probably only was aware and functional for half of the days in the year. I'm 51, I was throwing my life away and that's why I am trying to change this year. With some bad times, I still think in the last 7 months, I've been drinking and recovering for less than 30. And it's recently been better. There is hope for optimism.
What's going on now?
So what's going on at the moment? I've had my 2 boys here a lot, one with his girlfriend, and that's been fun. Playing Mario Party and taking a screenshot of my victory pose, my 17 year old just looked at me and said "Get a grip, you're 51". I'm a child, no argument from me. During the last month I've had the new Zelda game to keep me company, it's been a great comfort and occupier of time. As Persona 5 Royal was when lockdown hit, it's been a great distraction. My mum was saying did playing games not make me feel worse, she doesn't understand the types of games I play and how relaxing they can be, I think she has the image of guns and cars and that's it. But she now wants to come and see some of these games, which will be nice to show her.
And life in general? I am coming to a crisis point. I have enough money with benefits to see me through to the end of July, then I have a big shortfall. I'm cutting back as much as I can without living like a monk, but it's tough. I need a new job, so am working to that now. I still have a lot of back pain, I've been referred for physio and am having some tests done to check for other stuff. My weight is coming down slowly which is good.
Last week I spent an evening with a friend for the first time in ages and we will make it a weekly thing, rebuilding stuff like this is important to me. So all in all, I'm OK. I'm not great, I'm not too bad. I'm sober, that's a start.